The piece, Catalyst, was inspired by my muse, Princess D and her journey with the shadow "Unworthy."
I remember you being with me for as long as I can remember.
You were with me when I was visiting all my rich relatives and friends who had better clothes, better homes, better lives. You were with me when I chose to stay in relationships that did not serve me. You have been with me each step of the way saving me from threats, helping me avoid taking risks and helping me live in fear. Fear of what will people say, fear of hurting parents and loved ones, fear of not having approval of those I look up to, fear of ending up alone and miserable.
You saved me. You were my shield. You were my weapon too. I sought refuge in your shadows. Your reasoning made sense. You were always there for me and I did not even know it. I shut my voice down, I chose to stop listening to people, I did not ask for a raise in salary, I did not answer back when I desperately wanted to, I swallowed the disrespect, I did not fight for what was mine, I shut up when someone else took credit for my work, I even ate less than I wanted to, I let people walk away after sexually molesting me, I suppressed my frustration, I covered my anger, I hid my rage, I lived in denial, I did not stand up for myself because I did not want to ruffle any feathers, I did not want to lose any friendships, I did not want to be mocked and ridiculed, I did not want to be the one who made a mistake and who regretted, I did not want to end up alone.
Things have changed now. Now I recognize you. I also understand that you do not serve me. Having you around is me betraying myself. Being friends with you means being my own enemy. Now I know better and I want to choose better. It will not be an easy parting. it has been a very long relationship and I know there will be tears and pain and I have to muster up the courage and loosen the grip with which I hold your hand and slowly let you go. There is still a lot of fear and I am choosing to work through it so I can live an independent life. I want to leave you behind and move forward so I can acknowledge my true self, my worth, my skills, my place in relationships, community, and world.
Thank you and farewell!!