The piece, On Cue, was inspired by my muse, Juliet Fischer and her journey with the shadow "Unworthy."
For too long you have taken up residence in my house. In truth, it was my doing. I let you in. You came in quietly through the back door. So quietly in fact, that I forgot you were there. You became a shadow to me, quietly whispering untruths in my ear. Buzzing around my head, but just out of reach. You convinced me that I was unworthy. Unworthy of true love, unworthy of self esteem, unworthy to take my place in this great big world.
I have lived the last ten years trying to make myself small. Trying not to shine, not to take up too much space. You whispered to me, “Blend in for God’s sake. You’re embarrassing.”
You did a very good job. I believed you. I believed you so much that I changed my entire being. I forgot that I was a colorful beautiful peacock, and I became black and white. A penguin like everyone else, completely Indistinguishable.
But one day, by chance, someone saw me. Actually SAW me. They saw the person I used to be, the person that you can only see when you look deep enough into their eyes. And I saw myself through their eyes. I remembered who I used to be, and I saw how far I had fallen, and it broke me. You broke me. I split into a thousand tiny pieces. And I couldn’t figure out how to put my self together again.
I sat for a long time amidst the ruins of my self, with only you for company. Longing for someone to fix me. Until I realized that I was that ‘someone’. I realized the power was mine, the choice was mine, not yours. So I slowly put some of my pieces back together. And with each piece I placed the quieter you got. Until one day, I could only hear a low hum.
Certain pieces of me are missing. I don’t think I’ll ever fit together perfectly again. I’m cracked and chipped and completely imperfect. But, the cracks are where the light gets in.
I know who I am now, I remember. I am a big beautiful peacock and I take up a lot of fucking space. There is no longer room in my life for you. So consider this your eviction notice. Your services are no longer needed.